When I was young I use to make my parents teach me in the evening what I was to learn in school the next day. I had a serious fear of "not knowing", & having to be in control. So serious was this fear that I went to a therapist in grade two for help, & the conclusion was made that I was a perfectionist. Money well spent I'm sure, (pure genius that guy was).
Anyway, I still have that fear. It's not paralyizing, but it's there. The kind where you delegate things, then double check to make sure everything was done properly & well. The kind that makes more work & stress in your life. But it's liveable.
Last night (1:30 in the morning) I was lying awake thinking about this. I came to the conclusion that the being in control thing, is what makes this "waiting" so hard.
We give all of the control over to someone else. The only control you have is choosing a reputable agency, beyond that it's a leap of faith. I believe I have found that agency, & they are working hard for their families and the children in other countries.
But it's hard. The adoption process is so far out of my control that it is amazing that we have chosen this route to start a family. I can't do anything, & I don't have any answers, just hope.
I'm sure that's why I'm obsessed with every bit of info out there. Calling the agency, e-mailing every person I know for any bit of "news". They say knowledge is power, I believe it. Having "power" appears like you have "control", & the adoption process is a lack of control for the most part.
So all I have is hope & faith that when I am a grandma with all of my wonderful (smart, talented, beautiful) children, and grandchildren around me, that the world is just as it should be. Timed perfectly, out of my control & simply great.
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4 comments:
I too like to be in control, more so because I am a planner. Adoption makes it so hard to plan for anything because you never know when you might get "the call".
I am so glad I have some answers and now know what is going on and can start to move on with my life.
It has seemed that our life has been on hold for the last 2 years since we started this process, it is such a great feeling to finally see the light at the end of the adoption tunnel.
I think you and Gavin have been doing an amazing job with the waiting. I'm sure it can't be easy. I give you both a great deal of credit. There are many people who probably can't handle all that you guys have.
Cheryl
I could have written this post myself. It's SO hard for me to rely on others and trust that they're doing all they can for us. Here's hoping we both get some good news soon.
For me, bedrest was a huge lesson in giving up control. This adoption process is a reminder of some of the lessons I have forgotten!
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