7 months since DTV

I can't believe we have made it 7 months just waiting! Things on the to do list to make it through the next month are:

1) Get up early on weekends to go to yard sales. We are not yard sales people, but
if I want to start a home daycare to be able to stay home with our little one,
I'd better get some stuff!

2) Enjoy my 3 week vacation! That's right no nursing home work for me, for 3 full
weeks!

3) Hopefully get together & visit with friends before the big rush to travel etc.

4) Paint. We still need to paint the living room, & hallway for sure, possibly the
bathroom. (If we finally get our referral, the bathroom won't be painted anytime
soon)

5) Hopefully get our referral so we can finish getting ready for the baby! and then
we can start packing to travel.

In my perfect world we would receive a referral like right now, then I would have three weeks vacation, get ready for baby, pack for travel, go back to work for a week, & then head to VIETNAM!!

Blah

This is how I am feeling today, except add in Bronchitis, a cold & overall feeling crappy.
I'm off to sleep on the couch for a nap. Here's hoping I'm feeling better, and less grouchy when I wake up.

New Friends & A New Carrier

On Saturday we met with a group of other families that are in process of adopting from Vietnam. We had lunch at Saigon Sister a Vietnamese restaurant in Toronto.
Lunch was great, and it was a wonderful way to spend Mother's Day weekend. I am looking forward to getting to know these new friends better, and it was nice to be able to put a face to the names of those that have blogs, and to those that I e-mail constantly.
I keep thinking that I would love to travel with any of them, & hopefully that happens soon for some. The latest gossip seems positive, and people feel that good news is coming soon. I sure hope they are right! I would love to be able to surprise Gavin with a referral around Father's Day.
Also, Gavin has been looking into buying the perfect baby carrier. He decided it would be best to purchase one that promotes attachment, and so we decided on the ergo.

200 Days

I think I need this.

Parenting

I can't believe that I am actually going to say this, are you ready?. Gavin and I really are appreciative of the 15 month wait in this adoption to really communicate and explore how we want to raise our children.
If we had been parents 15 months ago, I can't say for certain that we would have known the value of co- sleeping, carrying the baby, not leaving the baby overnight or for extended periods of time. I don't think I would have considered staying home and doing home daycare after parental leave,or for allowing our child to regress in order to go through all of the emotional stages he/she will need to go through. I don't know if we would have ever considered letting the baby use a bottle long after other babies have been weaned, or consider holding the baby as opposed to "time- out" which may have a negative effect on the baby that has been adopted.
To quote Oprah " when you know better you do better". I believe that in the eyes of family and friends we would have seemed like good parents, but learning more and communicating more about parenting, I feel we are much more prepared to parent. Parenting is the focus on this particular baby, if we were pregnant I feel we would have been preoccupied with the pregnancy and birth over parenting.(This last statement is in regard to our situation, and is in no means to down play the excitement and importance of pregnancy & birth)
These are some of the tools that Gavin and I are going to use to help with attachment and the security of our baby:

Emotional Age
Many attachment professionals agree that the emotional age of a child at placement is set back to zero months. It is important to always consider the emotional age of your child and not the chronological age. Emotionally, your baby needs regression in order to go through the attachment process with his forever mommy and daddy. Baby that baby!

Stay Home
Stick close to home and avoid the revolving door of visitors until the baby has had time to adjust and learn who his parents are. Remember, you are strangers to this baby. He has not been waiting a long time for you. When the time comes to introduce the baby to family and friends, it is best to limit holding to Mother and Father.

Meet Baby's Needs Quickly and Consistently
Allow baby to see you and be held by you as much as she needs to feel safe and comfortable. Respond to all cries immediately while being both calm and loving--no matter what time it is or what you are in the middle of doing.

Use Skin on Skin Contact
Bathe with baby
Carry in arms or in carrier without lots of clothing between Mommy and baby
Routine massages (morning and night) using lotion

Scents
Use the same lotion as baby. One baby brand we like carries a lavender (calming) and vanilla scent.

Bottles
Keep bottles as an attachment tool for as long as possible. Bottles should always be given in mother's arms while encouraging eye contact. Some babies have a hard time with eye contact. In this case, place your rocker in front of a large mirror so she can still see Mommy taking care of her.

Sleep
It is best to sleep while the baby sleeps so that you are alert and available for his waking hours. Co-sleeping is recommended, but expect that it may take some getting used to.

Co-Sleeping
A valuable attachment tool, co-sleeping has helped families continue the bonding process throughout the night.

Use a Baby Carrier
Carry your baby close to you as long and as often as possible.

Routines
As your baby adjusts to the many changes, find a schedule in which you can begin to incorporate routines. Consistent routines help a baby predict what will happen next and help him feel safer.

Interact
Use every opportunity to make eye contact and enjoy your baby. Interact and play during bottle time, mealtime, floor time, bath time, etc. Make interacting a large part of your day. Some babies have trouble with eye contact or face-to-face interaction. In these cases, sit with her in front of a large mirror so she can still see the delight and joy in your eyes while playing in a less threatening way.

Games
Playing games that focus the baby's attention on Mommy and Daddy like peek-a-boo and "Where's Mommy?" help establish over and over who the important caretakers in her life are now.



Family and Friends
Because of separation from birth mother and at least one foster mother, often the baby may be waiting for the next caregiver to come along. Once the baby has had time to adjust to all of the different changes and learn who Mom and Dad are, it is often helpful to not only use family members and friends to run errands, cook meals, help keep house, etc. but to help them to always redirect the baby back to Mommy and Daddy. This will help establish that these two people are the primary caregivers and the most important people in his life.

This letter to family and friends says it better than I ever could have:


Dear Family and Friends,

As we prepare for the arrival of our son, we have learned that while decorating the nursery and stocking up on baby essentials is important, even more important is the emotional health of our baby. In his short life, our son will have gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle. Imagine how much harder the changes will be for him. While he may not consciously remember the events, he will still experience immense loss, including feelings of grief and trauma. He's already experienced the loss of a birthmother and will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of his birth country. His world will turn upside down. He will struggle with feeling safe and secure and he may lack the ability to trust that we will meet his needs.

We have prepared to meet his emotional needs so that he does learn that we will always take care of him and we will always keep him safe. We need your support. In order to form a strong and healthy attachment we will allow him to regress so that he has the opportunity to go through all of the emotional stages with us despite his chronological age. Although it may appear that we are spoiling him, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. Until he has learned that we are his parents, we will need to be his primary caretakers at all times. It is essential that we always hold him, feed him, and do all of the nurturing. You may wonder how long this will take, but the timeline is different for every child. We will follow his lead and trust our instincts as his parents rather than worry about what society expects.

We have all been waiting anxiously for our son to arrive but he has not been waiting for us. He may show his grief and confusion in many ways and we are prepared to help him through it and prove that we are a forever family and this truly is his last stop. We trust that as our family and friends you will help us to do what is best for our son, and we thank you in advance for your support and understanding.




A4everFamily.org.

6 Months Since DTV!

I read the following on an Ethiopia adoption blog, I think we can all identify to some degree.

10 Not so graceful ways to survive the adoption wait:


1.) Put your social worker's phone number on speed dial. Call her every week without fail during the entire process, even when she warns you the wait will still be months. Email her for reassurance on all 'difficult' waiting days, such as those containing the letter S. After all, if she hears from you often, she won't 'forget' about you.

2.) Sign up on every email list that is remotely applicable to your situation. Check for new email at least once per hour all day long. Post on each group at least 3 times a day. For the most pressing questions, use all caps.

3.) Ask often if anyone has news about the next step in your process, whether it be referrals or court dates or travel dates. Complain bitterly if anyone for any reason seems to get 'ahead' of you in the process.

4.) Collect waiting information on every family you have contact with. Use this data to spend hours each day making elaborate time lines, guesstimating:
a. best case scenario
b. most likely scenario, and
c. longest likely wait for each step of the process.

5.) Get very bent out of shape if any stage of your process exceeds the 'best case scenario' timeline. After all, your adoption is special.

6.) Google all Ethiopian holidays, mark them on your calendar and worry about how these holidays might slow your process down. Save your angriest thoughts for judges who take days to get back to court after the Ethiopian New Year. After all, we are Americans. We should not have to wait on Ethiopian holidays.

7.) When you finally get your referral, print out dozens of pictures of your child and give them to anyone and everyone, including that nice checker at the grocery store. Then when you see anyone, talk about nothing but every nuance of your adoption.

8.) Ask every traveling family to get pictures of your child, specifying preferred poses and outfits to be worn. Mark their 'return-home' dates on your calendar so that you can email them demanding news within 5 minutes of their scheduled homecoming.

9.) Leap out of the bushes at your mail carrier every day, desperately hoping he/she is bearing news from your agency. Consider installing an alarm that rings indoors when your mailbox is opened in the unlikely chance that the mail carrier arrives while you are in the restroom.

10.) Go into a depression at the end of every week, because the arrival of Friday means another weekend to survive till Monday when you can once again hover near the phone/computer/mailbox waiting for news.

Doing all these things without fail will ensure that your adoption will feel like the slowest adoption in history.

ethiopia.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/surviving-the-wait

Bonding and Attachment

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Attachment is the trusting bond that first develops between a mother and child, beginning in infancy. Healthy attachment is formed through repetition of the cycle of needs being expressed and then met. A baby is hungry so she cries. The mother hears the cries, and she immediately responds. The baby is fed while the mother actively works to soothe the baby's agitated state. As the cycle is repeated and reinforced thousands of times, the baby learns to trust that her needs will be met and that the world is a safe and good place. If this cycle is not regularly completed, it can have devastating implications for the emotional health of the baby.

Having a primary emotional bond with an attuned caregiver who predictably meets a baby's emotional needs is foundational for healthy psychic development and the ability to form healthy relationships with others. The ability to process and regulate one's own emotional state effectively, to delay gratification, to problem solve, to have empathy for others, are all critical for a healthy and secure sense of self. These are skills that are developed through the formation of healthy attachment.

In early developmental stages, an agitated or hyperaroused baby must be soothed by her primary caregiver in order to feel calm, safe and secure. The baby actually experiences her own emotional state as an extension of her caregiver. If her emotional needs are consistently met, over time the baby is able to take on some of this emotional regulation herself. Throughout early childhood, skills of self awareness and self regulation are reinforced. From there the child is able to begin to process the emotions of others, to develop a sense of empathy and to form healthy relationships beyond the primary one. These are lessons with clear and lifelong repercussions.

On the other hand, lack of healthy attachment can have devastating emotional repercussions. During the heightened state of arousal that occurs when a baby's cries are not answered, she grows increasingly frustrated, distressed, angry, or hopeless. When her needs are not met, or met unpredictably, the baby does not develop trust. She might shut down emotionally and remain stuck at this stage of emotional development. Stunted emotional development can also negatively affect cognitive development.

If the child moves forward developmentally with unresolved attachment issues, she may develop pervasive feelings of isolation, anger, lack of self worth, or shame. She may have a deeply internalized sense that the world is not a safe place and that she can't fully trust anyone. She may be noticeably emotionally immature, have difficulties with social relationships, suffer from low self-esteem, or develop an inordinate need for control.

We have spent hours researching bonding and attachment, we invite friends and family to learn more on the topic. There is a link to A 4 ever family on the right of the blog. It is a valuable resource, and offers a great overview of the importance of healthy attachment.
Please assist us, by educating yourselves on attachment parenting. Gavin & I feel that the key to raising healthy, well adjusted children takes more than just love. We believe that education, and understanding of the issues that our children may/will have can only benefit us as a family. Hopefully after reading more on the topic, friends and family will feel more comfortable in assisting us in the way that we plan to raise our children.



Mom Shares-A Must Read!
Monday, 02 April 2007

Short Circuits;
An Adoptive Mom's Exploration
Of the Neurological Impact
Of Trauma, Neglect, and Sensory Deprivation

One cold early Spring morning a beautiful, healthy baby girl, 3 days old, wakes up to find herself alone on a deserted street, hungry and cold. Her mother does not answer her cries, and in fact no one responds for hours. The baby, increasingly agitated and distressed, screams with primal urgency. Eventually a stranger happens by, picks up the crying baby and delivers her to the police station. Through several more intermediaries, the baby is eventually delivered to the local social welfare institute.

Examined by a doctor and then wrapped in blankets and fed a bottle, she is deposited into a crib and left alone for much of the rest of the day. That night, no one comes to answer her frantic cries. More days go by, more cries unanswered. Feeding and diapering are administered on a rigid schedule, since the caregivers have so many babies to attend to, and there is minimal opportunity to be held, carried, or spoken to. Stimulation is limited to what the baby can see, hear and feel from her crib. Feedings are piping hot bottles of formula, propped for maximum efficiency, delivered through extra large holes in the nipple. Occasionally the baby's mouth loses its place on the nipple and the entire contents of the bottle pours onto her body. When that happens she misses her feeding, and her wet clothes aren't changed for another hour or more.

Eventually the baby stops crying altogether because she has learned that crying rarely draws anyone to her. She is often lonely and scared, especially at night. The sounds of other babies crying and in distress cause her great anxiety, which she learns to tolerate by shutting down and withdrawing deeper inside herself in an attempt to protect herself from the constant stressors in her environment.

One day many months later, the baby is bundled up and brought by bus to a city several hours away. She is handed to a stranger with just the clothes on her back and one bottle of prepared formula. Otherwise, everything of her old life has vanished in an instant. The stranger brings her to a hotel across town, where she is changed into new, peculiar smelling clothes. The stranger shakes a brightly colored rattle in her face. The baby's environment has gone from one of minimal stimulation to one of hyper stimulation; new sounds, new smells, new sights, new sensations, delivered in rapid fire sequence. The stranger tries to feed her a Cheerio, but the baby reflexively gags because she's never had solid food in her mouth. The stranger tries to bathe her in the sink but the sensation is unfamiliar and terrifying. The stressed baby, overwhelmed, sinks deeper and deeper into a state of shock and withdrawal.

And they lived happily ever after.

I'm Tired

I'm Tired, so very tired. I accepted a permanent NIGHT position at work, 10:30pm to 6:30am. Foolishly I believed that the nights position would make my time go faster, like how I am at work late on monday, all of a sudden it's tuesday get it?.Yeah I was WRONG, in fact the very opposite is happening. For example, I go to work on monday night, most hours are after midnight so really it's tuesday, work tuesday, home tuesday, sleep, get up(yep still tuesday) go back to work late tuesday...& on & on it goes(like this sentence).
In positive night shift news, I should be home when/if I ever receive the referral call from the agency. This was important to me, I wanted to be the one to tell Gavin the good news. Also, by the time we travel to Vietnam I should be on Vietnam time! & so I should be wide awake when everyone else is very sleepy.
In other adoption news, I've got NOTHING. Agency rep is in Vietnam now, hopefully we will hear of some progress in the coming weeks. Gavin & I were talking the other day about the wait, I think he is shocked at how well I've been handling the wait. For some reason I've been at a sense of peace lately. Hopefully that continues & good news is heard soon. I hope that May brings good news to everyone waiting for something, whether it's homestudy completetion,a referral, travel news,...
If I don't post for awhile, don't worry I'm just sleeping.

Mural

Last weekend Gavin & his sister Megan painted the mural for the nursery. It turned out great, I love it. I am so impressed with the finished product & can't wait to bring the baby home. Thanks for helping us Megan, the baby is so lucky to have such a great aunt!

5 Months since DTV!

Still sitting, still waiting, still blogging....

Turning Thirty

Remember this episode? I sure do, when thirty seemed so far away. Today is my birthday, Gavin & I went away for the weekend to celebrate it, we are trying to do as many things as we can before the baby comes. We have decided that we are going to count down the months to baby by doing things once a month that we can't really do with the new baby. For example last month we went to the spa, this month weekend away, you get the picture. I figure that by doing these things it will give us something to look forward to besides "the call".
What else have we been up to? We've been painting ALOT. We've painted the family room, kitchen, master bedroom & babies room. Next we will probably paint the ensuite bathroom & then the livingroom& hallway.It will be good to get this finshed before we get the baby.
Also we've been trying to read as much as we can about adoption. I've been reading the book Real Parents,Real children by van Gulden/Bartels- Rabb,and Gavin has been reading World Food Vietnam,while I focus on attachment & bonding he focuses on what we are going to eat! (I'm just kidding, sort of).

Starting the Nursery

A few weeks ago we painted the nursery & set up the crib for the baby. We chose to do a Safari theme because we felt it was gender neutral. We love the bedding & the colour is a sandy yellow & it fits the theme perfectly! Now we just need the baby.We have been talking to Megan about helping Gavin paint a mural on the wall, but we need to finish the room first with the rest of the furniture. I will post more pictures when everything is complete.

The Black and White Doll

Very interesting video clip, sad but true. I'm interested as to what fellow adoptive families think, please comment.

What is stress?

Stress is learning you have a 50/50 chance of a referral just around the corner, and a 50/50 chance of having to wait until after April. URGH!!

Valentines Day & Tet

This year we celebrated Valentine's day & Tet on the weekend (I had to work evenings on Valentines day). We spent the afternoon at a spa on Saturday, made an Asian dish for dinner, and watched a movie. On Sunday we started the nursery, we painted and put the crib together, we had so much fun! We made a home video of building the crib, and took pictures of painting the nursery, I'll post the pictures soon.
This was on my Valentine's Day/Tet card:

"You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth." ~ancient vietnamese proverb

Wishing everyone a happy "year of the boar", a " year of the baby" for many of us.

Adoption Year in Review

One year ago today we took the first step in persuing adoption. We had been researching adoption as a choice to start a family for a few months, but February 10th 2006 changed us forever.

The year in review:
February 10th - attended information seminar with agency
February 11th - decided on adoption as our family choice
March 8th - 1st homestudy meeting
March 14th - fingerprinted for interpol clearance
March 15th - 2nd homestudy meeting
March 16th - Dr. appointment for physicals
March 19th - requested police information access report
March 27th - 3rd homestudy meeting
March 29th - received interpol clearance letters ( with errors!)
April 6th - received updated interpol clearance letters
April 19th- transfer pf medical records to new Doctor
April 20th - home visit for homestudy
May 5th - Dr. appointment to receive updated medical letters
May 29th - sent homestudy to agency
May 31st - homestudy sent to Ontario Ministry for approval
June 10th - 11th - attended AdopTalk workshop in London, ON
July 21st - received Ontario Ministry approval
July 24th - received letter of approval
July 26th - Dr. appointment for updated medical letter
July 28th - sent updated medical letter and application for adoption to agency
August 4th - sent updated employment & financial letters to agency
August 11th - received "option C" forms to begin immigration paperwork
August 16th - sent updated interpol clearance letters to agency
October 13th - Agency received verbal confirmation to open the program
October 16th - 5 files sent from agency to Vietnam
October 23rd - We are DTV!!
October 30th - mailed first part of immigration paperwork
November 6th - began immunization for TwinRx
December 7th - 2nd part of immunizations
January 3rd - received confirmation that our file had been translated

and all of that brings us to where we are today.

Just sitting & waiting & blogging

I can't believe it's been 100 days since DTV, here's to another 100, or 200 days.

Number 1 on my list

Why do we live in a world that is so fixated on lists and ranking things? We number everything. There's the first dance, first kiss, number one movie, most popular in school, best school, best neighborhood, and so on.
Is it possible to believe that adoption can be someones first choice?, instead of believing that a couple MUST be infertile, and therefore adoption must be a second choice?.Because clearly ( being sarcastic here), biological children would be first choice, followed by children that "look like your family", third choice would be children from the same country,and finally if you just have to have children the last resort would be to adopt from another country. This is crazy really, why can't people let other people live their lives the way that they choose, no matter what that choice is.
People are funny when it comes to accepting/thinking of adoption as a family choice. They say things like "don't worry, as soon as you adopt you'll get pregnant and then you'll have two babies!"(because clearly two is better than one)or they say "If you think you can have your own, why would you adopt?"(because clearly my adopted child won't be my "own")
I think we need to be proud of wanting to be parents, and choosing to be parents, instead of focusing on the way we become parents. Deciding to adopt a baby is about choosing to start a family, it's not about being infertile and choosing the "second best" option.

Our moving day

Where to start.... let's just say moving day was pure CHAOS. First off we spent two hours at the lawyers office, followed by three hours in the emergency department at the hospital. Gavin cut his finger after we moved the first item onto the moving truck,figures. Then, we had a flat tire on our van (the same tire that has had two previous flats) and had to call CAA. We finally loaded the moving truck & van by 1am.
That was Wednesday.
Thursday my mom came over to help clean our old house for the new owners (thanks mom),and Gavin and I went for our "pre delivery inspection" on our new house. Now usually the PDI would be done a week before you move in, so that they have time to fix the minor screw ups, our PDI was scheduled for move in day morning.
First thing wrong, they put laminate in the kitchen when it was to be tile, the same tile we've been fighting over for months. Then, they put the wrong tiles on the bathroom floors, therby making the floors not match with the tiles around the tub.
Also, they claim that the cabinets are "backordered" and it will be at least a couple of weeks until we have a kitchen, or bathroom vanitys. Not to worry we have the most ugly, temporary kitchen and bathroom sink and counters. So all in all our new home is "live in ready".
They started to fix the floors on Friday, they finished the kitchen by Saturday, and started on the bathrooms upstairs. The tile guys tiled over the old tile ( which apparently is alright from a tiling point) however, the toilets and our fake vanity wouldn't fit back in the room properly. The home builder decides it to be best to have the tile guys come back and tear out all the tile and start again. The tile was finally finished and toilets back in place yesterday.
Next problem,the phone and cable company were late arriving (a day late for the cable guy), it seems that even though you give directions to these people, because you are in a new subdivision they can't find your house. Then the appliance people went to the old address, even though I called twice, with directions to confirm delivery to the new address. Then, our new gas stove didn't work,and we have to eat out, or eat really crappy microwave dinners until someone can come to fix it. The appliance repair guy gave me a two hour window of when he'd be there to fix the stove,between 2 & 4 he said. He came by after 7pm, can you say "IDIOT".
Oh and to top it off, our computer has viruses making it very difficult for me to blog!
Nothing new adoption related, we're just waiting. The only good thing about all of the moving day chaos is that it took my mind off of the baby for a few days. But, my mind is back on baby now!

Math stinks!

INCREASE IN FAMILIES WAITING + DECREASE IN BABIES = LONGER WAIT TO REFERRAL all of this = CRAPPY no matter how you put it.
Average time to referral as estimated by our agency has increased from 6-9 months, to 9-12 months. However, I decided to clarify with our agency as to if they were calculating the wait from log in date, or from dtv,& to my surprise they are estimating from DTV. I should have asked this before, it's been weighing on my mind for a long time. Realistically I know we have a long wait ahead of us, like close to 9/10 months to referral, but at least it's not a year from today!
Those of you in the adoption world can appreciate the glimmer of hope this brings! I was beginning to feel like we were being tested, like someone was saying " are you sure you want to do this?... how about now?" almost haunting and taunting like, strange I know. But, this little glimmer of knowing we were waiting already is what I needed to keep going.
YEAH! for small victories!